Bark and onion in my eye.

Learning to turn of the TV, to spend my time more effectively.

I am already behind in my classes, which means even less time for art--or guiltless art.

I don't want to work, I just want to play in my journal all day! (and listent to oldies!)

And dream of a space of my own, of being free from the weight of this house and all its contents

Expanding expanding.

Weightless.

New journal, new directions

It's a huge computation notebook bound comp style. Don't you just love the cover? I have two smaller spirals by the same company for my compulsive non-school related notetaking and collecting of words. Each journal is getting larger than the one before. 

I found a stack of painted papers that I made a few years ago that inspired me to collage. Agent P. was really intrigued by them, so perhaps a paper painting afternoon is in order. It's difficult for us to both get into art mode at the same time and try to share what little floor space we have in our room. I can't wait to have my own little art room one day with a big table. A small space can be confining to the act of creation, not being able to find what one needs or see what one has. One day :) 

Refuse, bark, charms

Deer have been lent a special significance from my mother (it was her birthday yesterday!), I still keep my eyes peeled when driving through wooded areas for them. Such majestic creatures. I can't wait to hike through the forest preserves and soak in the green, commune with the flora, and collect more natural detritus for art.

The deer and fauns are from a book I borrowed on how to make hand shadows, I traced them onto notebook paper saturated in olive oil. I love the selectively transparent effect it lends. 

I'm really excited about the direction this journal is moving me towards. Collage is less intimidating on big graph paper for some reason. Whoop whoop can't wait to go outside and journal.

xo Lara

Seven veils.

Seven veils., originally uploaded by kaliji.

One of the best perks about working in a library, especially a collegiate library, is book discards. When books are decommisioned only staff are allowed to take them. I wonder what happens to the ones I don't ferret away in my desk and are left unclaimed. Most of the books are old and would be great for altering, but I haven't gotten around to trying my hand at altered books yet. I jump on anything written in another language or that has great pictures. When I saw a copy of Mata Hari with magestic black and white images I was barely able to contain myself. The image on the left is an experiment in gel medium transfers of one of the plates in Mata Hari.  It is my favorite image in the book with the woman's royal stance and her stomach protruding proudly. What I love about belly dancing is that it looks best with a little "jelly"--otherwise there is not much to undulate. This page is about loving and accepting your body. Most of us have jiggly parts, stretchmarks, and cellulite in a milieu where the natural female form is no longer considered beautiful and augmentation is commonplace. Corporations make billions from making us hate ourselves and we tend to buy the hype and in turn their products that promise to make us worthy and happy with our bodies. No product can do this but we can. If we spent half the energy turned inward in self-criticism and turned it outward, towards advancing the causes of women, we could affect real change.

xo Lara

Clare keeps her treasure in her bellybutton.

clare's bellybutton., originally uploaded by kaliji.

Today was the day for a new banner. I love it. Change feels good. My old banner was too non-specific and boring.

I missed Clare, the tree spirit that briefly possessed me a few months ago. In so doing, the became part of an unfinished narrative concerning malevolent ogres and and giants that peel trees with potato peelers and create discreet color block graffitti on forgotten walls. One of my "ART-solutions" this year is to overcome my fear of creating outside of the safe confines of a book. This is my first independent piece (I did it!). I hope to create a series about Clare as her story unfolds in my dreams.

This all started because of Kimya Dawson whose music saturates the soundtrack of Juno. Her songs make my day when listened to in the morning and get me into create mode. Her song "I Like Giants" definitely infiltrated my consciousness and led me down a path toward Clare (Agent P. helped too).

My favorite lines are: "I like giants. Especially girl giants. Because all girls feel too big sometimes regardless of their size." I relate especially to that last sentence. That state of being so filled with inspiration and trajections of thought. As well as the state of being filled with joy or sadness. Having the freedom to experience thought and emotion to this extent is one of the many gifts facilitated by being a woman. It is an state of experience that many of our foremothers were not free to actualize for the consequences of being labeled a hysteric were severe. I would like to think that being a woman who allows herself to feel to such an extent is no longer negative. However the treatment by the media of the talented women in the political who filled boob tubes across the nation last year has caused me to think that we have not come as far as we would like to believe. It has certainly caused me to read my news online from sources without a recent history of misogyny, but I digress. If I were to truly translate my sentiments about the present state of "feminism" in this country into written form, it would be extensive and no doubt fueled by vitriol.

Instead, I will leave you with this clip of the official music video for "I Like Giants." The song is set to a really cute interpretative dance created and performed by her friends who are also members of the free choir she established in Olympia, Washington that anyone can attend. If I ever visit Olympia that will be on my short list of places to go for sure :) What music inspires you as you create?

xo Lara

One of those days.

what's next?, originally uploaded by kaliji.

There is so much going on in this spread.

Where will I go next? And when?

When will our life together truly begin?

Can I cut it at a small liberal arts college when I still haven't been able to use my voice outside of the realm of art?

Will I be able to hold on to my art? 

When I really take the time to think on it, I find myself more afraid than excited at all the possibilities before me. There are simply too many. Too many things I want to do. Too many things I could do. How do I start making choices that are not based on fear? Just do it i guess. A succinct slogan for a towering thought process capable of dwarfing what should be an exhilarating time. 

And just do more art! Art journals are so amazing. 

New Molie!

Bear fetish. originally uploaded by kaliji

Glitter oil salesman. originally uploaded by kaliji

The excitement of having a brand spankin new moleskine has yet to wear off :) I haven't had one since February when I moved on to a larger journal with spiral binding. I just could not stay away. I'm excited to have a new, clean slate for January. A space where ideas can evolve and flower into works independent of a binding: a goal for 2009.  A place to doodle and plant the seeds of inspiration. 

I have never been one to take too much stock in "New Years." After all, each day begins a new year.  Since the fortune-telling ritual, however, I am digging the Gregorian calendar. A tangible shift is occuring within me. For the past few days I have been feeling strangely content and serene--even joyful at the oddest of times. Listening to Kimya Daweson on my way to work this morning filled me to the point that I felt as if I were about to cry. A wave of what can only be described of as sentimentality took hold of me as I was handling the the influx of periodicals to the library I work at yesterday. I even enjoyed doing tedious tasks like copying and collating due to the sense of peace these tasks invoked within. My eyes are opening. I am consistently mystified by my day-to-day surroundings. I feel as if I can call myself an artist--a label which previously did not remain adhered for more than a few minutes. It is bonded to membrane of my soul now as if by epoxy instead of electrical tape. 

On Sunday the family fled to our favorite pizza joint for a few hours to be "out in the world." Mama Marshamallow's friend, who is a surrogate grandfather of sorts, was playing the claw game. First he captured a stuffed kitten which he gave to M.M. He surprised me with a monkey, his next and final prize. A monkey! My "sea monkey" manifested again! The mascot of new beginnings has since taken up a position of honor next to my Frida Kahlo display.

The roots of this shift are only partly steeped in the mysticism wrapped up in the new year. Mostly it is you. Your words. Your art. Your spirit. Thank you for all your inspiration.

xo Lara

2009

2009, originally uploaded by kaliji.

This first page for the new year conceals an affirmation for 2009 and glittery punquita faeries saying "live fearlessly!" Agent and I went to Dick Blick the other day for the first time and what a magical place it is. I bought a slew of random implements to play with including some chunky sharpie markers to graffiti up '09.
Blick sells these cheap and nifty squirt bottles that are perfect for making your own fluid acyrlics. Mix one part water to one part acrylic and let the dripping begin. Way cheaper than buying an assortment of fluid acrylics to achieve the same effect. The chunky sharpies drip as well if you press the tip down firmly for a few seconds. I love the excitement that is evoked as paint careens down the page, wondering where it will go and if it will spread to other pages. The subsequent few pages left in my journal are now all tinged with red in one way or another. The impermanence and chance involved in working in a spiral journal especially is thrilling!
Live fearlessly!
xo Lara

home sweet home.

coming home., originally uploaded by kaliji.

More like saccharine but it's where I want to be, for Christmas anyway--I can't wait to go out and have an adventurous life with Agent Pineapple. It never ceases to amaze me how the spirit of the holidays can bring people together, how I can actually find myself wanting to spend time in a place that I spend so much energy trying to get away from. Christmas is very sneaky that way, causing you to appreciate what you have especially in times such as these.
Here's wishing that you too find yourself in a place of gratitude, warmth, and love ♥.

TEXT-ure :)

texture., originally uploaded by kaliji.

This page also resulted from my "alone time." Last week I bought my first tub of gesso and needless to say it was a momentous occasion. I now feel as though I can use gesso liberally and with abandon!
I love writing in it only to obscure it during the layering and impressing process, painting on the still wet gesso and swirling it around, pressing found textures into it, scribbling, adding masking tape and pools of dirty paint water, and finally dripping gooey wax from the candles I had lit for ambiance.
Is it a work in progress or a finished journal page? I don't know. I do know that I like it just the way it is and that I'm afraid of killing it.

- ♥ -

primary colors.

primary colors., originally uploaded by kaliji.

I had a few precious hours to myself on Sunday and this was one of the resulting pages. Usually my only alone time is in the bathroom and as one who thrives on solitude, the grind of the last few months has not been conducive to creative pursuits. I delight in finding myself going back to hues inspired by the primary colors. I am always reminded of kindergarten and the freedom with which we made marks on the page. I'm still holding out for a (free) kindergarten for adults.
Fun fun fun ♥

flotsom jetsom

flotsom jetsom, originally uploaded by kaliji.

One of those pages I had given up on in frustration and decided to revamp with some found crappola, new and from the stash. Transforming pages such as these is a good exercise when attempting to launch oneself back into the creative milieu. Since you already gave up on those pages in a sense, you don't worry about the results like you would with an entirely new page. I also foundreally like the idea of using old notes from classes I've taken for background fodder and selectively letting words peer through the paint.

The kitty cats (I affectionately call them boobie faces) would like recognition for their contributions, they were "helping out" while I was taking the pictures of my journal by laying in front of the pages and playing musical chairs.

Sensi

Anais/Anna Bear/Slut Muffin

- ♥ -

mandala.

mandala., originally uploaded by kaliji.

"The earth is a living Mandala--a structural matrix through and from which flow a succession of changes, elemental forms, and primal urges, each surpassing the other in an infinite variety of organic structures and impulses, crowned by the supreme attribute of reflective consciousness. It's flow, though working through a relatively well-defined structure, is subject to the infinite processes of growth and transformation by virtue of the ever-changing relationships both internal and external to its basic structure." --Mandala

Clare lives in trees and borrows the chalk.

she told me her name was Clare., originally uploaded by kaliji.

I sat down with the intention to paint an ogre or giant (more about that project later) and became possessed by Clare. The drawing flowed out. Perhaps she is a tree spirit. This morning she showed me where she lives and plays.

Her eyes draw me in--coupled with the pointy ears her gaze seems impish. The full lips. The obstinate neck. One things for sure, she is a warrior.

Gesso, Charcoal, Graphite, & Acrylic.

- ♥ -

I can hear you smile 30 miles away.

smile., originally uploaded by kaliji.

Putzing around with a drawing kit (eep!) that has been gathering dust --a quick sketchy sketch.
I have been flirting with the idea of taking an art class or two before I transfer knowing that once I transfer I will be too discouraged to pursue courses outside my major. My yet to be defined major that is--ideally an amalgamation of three of the following: Communications/Film, Women's Studies, Anthropology, Sociology, English/Comparative Literature, Spanish. With a major in English and a minor in Spanish I can pursue certification to teach English abroad during summers which is the most appealing with the quickest gratification right now....hmmm.
As life tends to plant, however discretely, opportunities to fulfill your desires along the path-- I might be able to take a drawing class for free, compliments my favorite pervy barista. He keeps asking me to model for his drawing class (incentive being that the class would then be free). He asked Agent Pineapple as well and I would think that if it was nude he wouldn't approach it so nonchalantly, although a class where there are models to be drawn in charcoal with clothes on seems to be a rarity. I will have to look into this further. If it checks out, the soul-crushing factor implicit in formal art instruction could be sidestepped and for free!

Today's wisdom courtesy of Yogi Tea: "Your greatness is not what you have, it's what you give."

Agent Pineapple and I are each looking for volunteer opportunities in our area, I have felt a disconnect for the past couple of years that I have been relatively uninvolved save for the occasional march/protest. I spoke with a woman from the YWCA and am considering rape victim advocacy--I just wish I knew if I have the strength before pursuing the intensive training. Another hmmm.

- ♥ -

PS: Question for my blogger users: Do you know how to make uploaded pictures larger without losing quality? I always upload using the "large" setting but it's just not large enough for my liking.

dead bolts.

dead bolts., originally uploaded by kaliji.

the likeness is startling. the figure came to me in a waking dream. it wasn't until i painted the nose red that i knew who it was and the entire page changed.

i love how these representations capture the essence of how i see a person, more than a realistic portrait ever could.

expressing the darkness has become a relaxing, cathartic process. i feel like more of a conduit, letting it pass through me evoking no anger.

now i feel ready for a new challenge.

This is what bipolar disorder looks like.

this is what bipolar disorder looks like., originally uploaded by kaliji.

Continuing to peer inside the darkness. This time at my sister who suffers from untreated Bipolar Disorder. I hope that she will one day learn how to deal with her anger in less destructive ways--but don't see how I can help her to do that.

Sano orgánico.

sano organico., originally uploaded by kaliji.

The quote reads "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, wrry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." --Ze Buddha

I feel lucky. I have acknowledged and let go my past, am content with the present, and excited about what the future might bring. I have the opportunity to love, learn, create, and work--what else does one need?

- ♥ -

Dear Chicago,

There are so many things I want to see, explore, capture, experience, and learn about within your limits. Your summers are overwhelming with something intriguing taking place each and every day. I'm worried that I'll never feel as if I know you. I live nearby and used to be one of your denizens, yet feel as if you are a stranger to me. This has to change. Especially since I feel as if my feet are going to soon point away from your majestic metropolis and who knows where they'll take me. I cannot leave until I feel truly and inextricably connected with you.
I can't wait to see you this weekend.
All my love,
Lara

PS: Tell that twatwaffle to stop google-stalking me. It's ridiculous.

Armpits.

Imaginary friend: How do you know you love someone?
Me:Armpits of course.
Imaginary friend: What! Armpits?
Me: You know when you love their armpits be they,hairy, smelly, or stained with sweat.

- ♥ -

Weary of things that don't float.

I finally found the courage to peer inside the darkness

this is what I found


- ♥ -