This is what bipolar disorder looks like.

this is what bipolar disorder looks like., originally uploaded by kaliji.

Continuing to peer inside the darkness. This time at my sister who suffers from untreated Bipolar Disorder. I hope that she will one day learn how to deal with her anger in less destructive ways--but don't see how I can help her to do that.

Sano orgánico.

sano organico., originally uploaded by kaliji.

The quote reads "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, wrry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." --Ze Buddha

I feel lucky. I have acknowledged and let go my past, am content with the present, and excited about what the future might bring. I have the opportunity to love, learn, create, and work--what else does one need?

- ♥ -

When was the last time you danced?

I firmly believe in the health benefits of dancing--I use health as an umbrella term for sanity, creativity, and vitality. Movement is almost always the answer for the blues and overall creative stagnation.
Dancing (in public especially) allows the spirits to lift by jettisoning all of the bullshit that weighs us down on a daily basis. I also recommend cleaning/organizing and getting a hair cut!

This past Friday the fam and I went dancing at one of our favorite joints where the crowd is older and a band we go way back with plays regularly. They play 60's to early 80's everything from "Great Balls Of Fire" to the "Boot Scootin' Boogie" and we love it. But more than their playlist I love how beautiful everyone looks when they're dancing. Older couples, women on their ladies' night out, seasoned ballroom dancers all cutting the same rug yet in their own worlds, as the collective spirit reaches near critical mass in the crowded venue. Wrinkles, cellulite, sags, bellies, boobs, and booties all gyrating to live music. I can't get enough. It's beautiful.

The lead singer dropped off some song request sheets at the table paired with the three page song list (in an 8 point font) at the table. I requested My Girl for Agent Pineapple putting Boobs as the occasion not thinking anything would come of it. I was delightfully wrong. He announced "A song dedicated to Kaitlin's boobs!?" and the whole band got into add-libbing "boobs" into the song. "My girl, my girl, my girl, talkin about my girl's boobs (boobs!)" ...."Talkin about my (boobs!) girl (boobs!). Needless to say we were dying of laughter on the dance floor as was our whole table. Other patrons, however, were not as amused :)

There was more dancing to be had at Chicago's Dyke March--the answer to the male dominated Pride Parade. The slogan this year was We Move. "We Move to create visibility, to honor our histories and identities, to disrupt oppression and dominance, to challenge silence and fear because we are everywhere, because we must survive. 1000 participants--the overwhelming majority of them moving together the largest dyke march in the past five years. Naturally, I positioned myself behind the drummers so that I could dance-march the twelve blocks along Pilsen's 18th street. I'm glad I participated this year, my first, as I've been yearning to be apart of a movement of women. Perhaps I should go for it and volunteer to help organize next year.

The song below is great for ze dancing yah and for ze maarch :)

Camera phones for good not evil.

As the mobile phone is the prosthetic most of us have resigned ourselves to, why not use it for something positive as opposed to feeling encumbered? While I refuse to have mine in contact with my body unless I'm using it since conducting an energy test I picked up in a Reiki class (*Close Encounters of the Third Kind theme plays*), I am actually starting to like having my phone with me (so long as it is on silent).
The camera is crappy but convenient--I can take a picture in seconds and all the while appearing inconspicuous. So many instances where I encounter something that catches my eye--something that I want to keep--I don't have the time or even the pluck to rifle through the compartments of my backpack in search of my digicam.
If your phone feels more like an implant than an implement, take the camera feature for a spin...and put the sucker on vibe or silent ;)

Take pictures of yourself, flowers and what makes you smile then send a pix message to your sweetie.

Or take pictures of everything that inspires you. Select one to set as your wallpaper or email them to yourself, print and paste in your journal or glue book.

- ♥ -

PS: For you fellow blogger users, check out the nifty new blog roll feature on the right!

Dear Chicago,

There are so many things I want to see, explore, capture, experience, and learn about within your limits. Your summers are overwhelming with something intriguing taking place each and every day. I'm worried that I'll never feel as if I know you. I live nearby and used to be one of your denizens, yet feel as if you are a stranger to me. This has to change. Especially since I feel as if my feet are going to soon point away from your majestic metropolis and who knows where they'll take me. I cannot leave until I feel truly and inextricably connected with you.
I can't wait to see you this weekend.
All my love,
Lara

PS: Tell that twatwaffle to stop google-stalking me. It's ridiculous.

Armpits.

Imaginary friend: How do you know you love someone?
Me:Armpits of course.
Imaginary friend: What! Armpits?
Me: You know when you love their armpits be they,hairy, smelly, or stained with sweat.

- ♥ -

Weary of things that don't float.

I finally found the courage to peer inside the darkness

this is what I found


- ♥ -

Home is where the heart is, really.

I have been thinking about "home" and what it means to me--especially at a time when I need to commit to my current living situation and make the best of it. It would be easier if wasn't dreaming of the future.
In the page, my dream home with Agent Pineapple is superimposed over my physical one which I fear losing--thus the contrast between sun and storm. The pictures of things I would like to have one day that I encountered during my walks: a cute brightly painted shed (for art or vintage bikes or drumming circles) and two little chairs where we can sit and drink our coffee in the morning with our journals. The other collage element is a scan of the birthday card I made her.
While I am currently at odds with her we always try our best to work things out. It's no secret that everything in life is work. The ways in which the fruits of your labor fulfill you are what matters.

- ♥ -
lara

you are an extraordinary machine.

\

The words are lyrics are from the song "Extraordinary Machine" by Fiona Apple--an inspiring tune I walk to. I love her earthy voice and I identify with the lyrics. I've always been the "late bloomer" feeling out my way at my own pace, which allows me to pause in order to observe and, more importantly, see.
Watch and listen. I hope you find something in the song and realize that you are an extraordinary machine :)

Lyrics:
I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease

(Chorus)

-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine
- ♥ -

I eat cannibal, it's incredible.

I was lucky enough to see the rides alone on my way to the train this morning--the carnies asleep in their trailers. I found the shapes, lettering, and colors stimulating--especially the manner in which the carousel horses were decorated (much like trannies!). I can't wait to do work off these. This blue is the color that has been speaking to me--the one I can't seem to escape because it finds its way into most everything I create (yet is oddly absent from my crap collection).

While I am attracted to the bright lights and colors of the carnival, lights are not worth subjecting myself to an overpriced community fest of this variety--my aversion to teenage culture alone renders it a no-fly zone. The main streets choking on swarms of scantily clad young women presenting as virgin-whores, a hetero-normative role that they find increasingly comfortable to inhabit as they "mature". They are quite unaware that their behavior stems from messages hardwired into their atrophied brains by the MSM. And let us not forget the throngs of young men, whose only goal at this life stage is winning a protracted game of putt putt played with their members; a competition among peers to see who can get into the most holes. It's all too depressing--young women raised to believe that feminism is an f-word, a movement that is passe at best. They'll never even know what they're lacking.

-♥-

No A/C

How do you keep yourself sane in adverse weather conditions friends?
In cars with no A/C I have to keep myself amused or I will get cranky.

For your viewing pleasure:

and
my fingers like to walk in the air
When it's freezing cold in the car I moo at the top of my lungs.
That is all :)

- ♥ -

I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me...

I love walking--feeling my feet hit the pavement as mind, body and soul align. I work ten miles away from my home and when the weather is nice I take the train three stops and walk the remaining 3.5 miles to work (to save money and exercise!). It takes me from 45 minutes to an hour to walk depending on how late my train is on any given day.
Save the pervs I encounter on my way, I always seem to notice at least one thing that makes me smile to myself. Today, it was a small red rubber band on the ground, which reminded me of when I lived in Hyde Park. During the three years I lived there it seemed as though someone deliberately scattered these red rubber bands along the sidewalks and replenished them when they began to disappear. I would count them on my way to school or the market and was convinced there was something magical about them. Last week I saw four bunnies playing in an open lot, which I found especially exciting because I no longer see bunnies around my house since my outdoor warrior-mama cat took up residence.
Here are the things that made me smile today courtesy of my phone:

Oh contradictions...hehe
So purty, this yard was full of them!
A cute mural down an ally I happened to walk through by the train station

Neon pop culture references :)
- ♥ -

Amor y paz.

A portrait of Mz. Agent Pineapple in a style I'm trying to develop from a self portrait I did in my moleskine some time ago.
The colors on the face move from the earth tones she wears and feels comfortable in to the bright colors she loves and uses in her art. I had to add her cute little button nose and full lips and her affinity for zebra print :) The peace sign is very much a symbol of how she sees herself--she has a tattoo of one on the back of her neck and strives to be peaceful in her inner and outer environments.
¿Puede encontrar los mensajes escondidos dentro?

On the subject of love & peace, I came across these pictures I took last spring of a peace mural that was erected for a short time in my school's Art Center. If my memory serves me correctly, my hand is one of the rainbow ones :) I loved coming to class everyday and seeing new additions of art, poetry, and messages.

The last two close-ups are entries by my friend Aiste--an amazing photographer and mixed media artist from Lithuania. She likes to smell people, photograph dead things, and be awesome. I love the way she sees the world and wish I could crawl inside her head for a few days to see things through her eyes.
I also wish there were peace murals everywhere.

-♥-

Uncertain Fragments

vintage zebra fragments, originally uploaded by kaliji.
I recorded my thought process on the opposing page--about how in trying to get back into journaling and blogging I have found myself striving to create for an outside entity--the viewer.

• Frustrated that I couldn't pump out a page each day or that I couldn't start, finish, and blog an entry in the same day.
• Impatient for acceptance.
• Feeling that I shouldn't keep using/creating images of the woman I love in my own journal.

I realized how inane that all is. My journal is for me. Every page need not be "uploadable," "bloggable" or anything else. Not to mention, being so hard on myself at a time when I'm still trying to get back into creating is overkill.

The fragments underneath the painting are remnants of a piece of paper itemizing the things I wanted to talk to my partner about at the beginning of the year when we were going through "rough times." Those issues were resolved because we both had the courage to vocalize, listen, and work hard so I covered the fragments with a photo of her and happy zebra print (which we are bananas for).

-♥-
Thank you Randi for the title!